I’ve got the overwhelming urge to run.
Away from my relationship.
After 3 years of therapy and a lot of asking and pushing from my therapist I finally told her about my past.
All I’ve told her in those 3 years was my ex was abusive, I’ve never gone into detail but today I cracked and it all came out at once.
I’ve never spoken about this with anyone before, and I was quite taken aback by the fact that she cried, and the look of shock on her face.
Her exact words to me were that she ‘can’t believe I was so matter of fact about what I was saying and I need to realise that the things that happened was not ok/normal and maybe talking about it to my family would start to help me deal with things.
Number 1 …. I know it wasn’t ok/normal but it happened.
Number 2…. There’s no way on earth I am going to speak to my family about it.
Number 3 …. being matter of fact about it is my way of dealing with it.
And number 4 …. I wish I’d never told her but hindsight is a wonderful thing.
Anyway she said maybe I should write it down so after thinking about it a while I’ve decided to do it here.
PLEASE don’t read this any further if your easily triggered.
I was with my ex for 11 years, I met him just after I turned 16 he was 22, we had 4 children together who are the only good thing that came out of the relationship they have quite honestly kept me alive this long if it weren’t for them I think I would have given up years ago.
As is usually the case the first few months of the relationship were great, I got pregnant with my daughter when I was 16, about 6 months into the relationship and this is kind of where red flags started showing.
He’d accuse me of being with other people, say that the baby wasn’t his etc even though I couldn’t leave the house without him.
The first time he hit me was after a day out with are daughter and one of his friends, we got home and I got a phone call from my mum to say that my Nan had passed away I was upset so went upstairs and he followed and started accusing me of sleeping with his friend while we were out. Physically impossible considering at no point during the day had he left my side.
It carried on after that he’d have a drink an I’d be his punching bag. If I left the house without him I had a set amount of time to get to the shop do the shopping and get home or he’d kick off.
I wasn’t allowed to learn how to drive, the only friends I could have were his friends girlfriends and even then I could only speak to them if they came to the house. If he came in from work and the house wasn’t spotless he’d smash it up and make me sort it out.
He shattered my jaw with a claw hammer for putting the Christmas tree up in the first week of December.
After being on cocaine for 2 days and not coming home he walked into the room at 3am and poured what he said was petrol (turned out it was diesel) all over me and the bed and stood over me with a lighter threatening to burn me. He didn’t have a reason for this apparently as he can’t remember why he was angry with me.
He threw me into a 7 foot hole in his friends back garden that had been dug for a fish pond and started trying to bury me alive because I wanted to go home as I didn’t feel well.
I could go on and on but I think you get the picture ….. he’s not a very nice person
I spent 11 years with him I was terrified of him and too scared to leave but I got out in the end.
There were times when he was hitting me I’d will him to carry on and kill me just to put a stop to it.
After all that the worse thing for me was the emotional abuse, I’ve got scars left right and centre but they’ve all healed, faded, but the things he’d say are still stuck in my mind today 9 years after I left.
He doesn’t scare me anymore and I still see him from time to time and honestly I pity him. He’s on his own in a 1 bedroom flat next door to his mum with nothing but drugs and alcohol to keep him company.
Me I’ve got 4 amazing kids and a man who actually treats me right…..
Maybe I do need to deal with it but honestly I don’t know how too, blocking it out and ignoring it is the best I’ve got, I don’t want to constantly relive it by talking about it.
Anyway there you have it….. the reason for my cptsd on top of my bpd….. I hate all these labels, if I’m truthful I think it’s easier just to say I’m a bit fucked up 🙃
That’s probably the best way to describe how I feel today.
I feel so run down and tired.
I hate what I see in the mirror.
I can’t seem to do anything right.
I’m so fed up of running round after everyone else.
I need a break/a holiday/a new life…… or all of them.
I need my bed 😢😴
The other side of me
The one that no one gets to see
The one that hides in darkened places
The one that hides my many faces
The other side of who I am
The one who knows me well
The one who cry’s
The one who screams
The one who comes to me in dreams
The one who try’s to please real bad
The one who fears she’s going mad
The one that holds the fear of sadness
The one that’s full of dirt and badness
The other side of me
The one who wants to die
The one who hopes to live.
I got told today by my therapist that maybe I should stay away from social media as it’s not good for “people with bpd”.
I kind of took offence to this, I should of asked him to elaborate but didn’t get round to it.
Anyway I guess I’d like to know what people’s opinions are on this as I’m kind of in 2 minds about it if I’m honest.
On one hand social media is a big part of people’s lives wether it be Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat etc. Everybody uses it in some capacity, so why should I be different just because of my bpd? I don’t spend much time on them in all honesty and when I do it’s just a quick flick through to see if anything interesting is happening, maybe post a picture of the kids or dog.
On the other hand I can see where he may be coming from, bpd makes us vulnerable to people who play on your emotions, it’s hard to avoid triggers as you have no control over what other people post, I do tend to compare myself to the “perfect” selfies people post which isn’t good.
Also I joined a few bpd support groups on Facebook and if I’m honest I don’t think there such a good idea,
Don’t get me wrong it’s amazing to meet and speak to people who know exactly what your going through, but at the same time having nearly 5/600 borderline people together is a ticking time bomb. There are constant arguments and triggers within the group plus the people who join just to prey on vulnerable people.
My brain needs an on/off switch. I’ve literally spent all night thinking about things from my past that I really wish I didn’t remember.
Oh well, working with kittens today on half an hours sleep should be fun 😀
Well I’ve woke up this morning and just want to crawl back in to my bed 😞
Nothings happened, but I feel like A doesn’t want to be with me anymore, He always says “Nothings wrong” but I’m clearly not what he wants so why is he here? I don’t get it.
And yes your probably thinking I’m over-reacting/over-thinking, but hey guess what? It’s good old bpd messing with my mind for having a good day yesterday 😞
A’s still sleeping but the urge to wake him and ask if we’re ok is ridiculous. I know if I do though it’ll end in an argument. Him telling me to stop stressing and asking if we’re ok and he’ll tell me when/if somethings wrong.
I hate bpd 😢